Spamming is an underappreciated art form. In fact, “hated” may be a more accurate adjective. Like mimes in a public square, spammers seek to capture the attention of people who actively try to avoid them. Thus they must strike fast and hard, bewildering their prey with astonishing bombast, no-holds-barred familiarity, and too-good-to-be-true promises. Much depends on the effectiveness of their initial pitch–the e-mail header–and in exploiting that space, they put practitioners of haiku to shame, delivering their come-on to the rubes (that is, us) in a single line and usually in far fewer than 17 syllables.
And yet if you equip your e-mail program with a good spam filter (we at PC World use the Postini service), you’re unlikely to see the fruits of the spammer’s labor unless you enter the world of the Quarantine Summary, where “potential junk or virus-infected messages” go to die. If you think of your daily trip to the quarantine zone as a usually fruitless scan for wrongly incarcerated messages, it can’t help but seem a nuisance. But if you go there looking for poetry, Delphic mystery, and fortune-cookie philosophy, you can discover gems of unrecognized genius.
So let’s take a spin through the quarantined messages of PC World’s editorial staff and see what wisdom our spammers wish to impart to a cynical, uncaring world. Our guarantee: All of the e-mail headers listed here are certified as-is, found-in-the-filter, pure organic spam, without any artificial editorial enhancements. (However, since spammers have the naughty habit of commandeering innocent people’s e-mail addresses in order to gain a patina of legitimacy–and since innocent people are not above filing nasty lawsuits–I have altered the e-mail addresses included here.)
GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS
I don’t know you
(from Z-na@2zzz.com)
I’m glad we cleared that up right away. (Incidentally, FHM magazine recently named this one of the ten best pickup lines ever.)
Happy New Now!
(from grant@kibbleburn.com)
Too late: It’s already old.
Hi it’s Monica
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Okay, let’s give it a try: “Hi, Monica. I don’t know you.”
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES
Help Your Customer Live the Fantasy
(from tellingwc@martianfail.com)
This opportunity may be a bit more hands-on than I’d like.
Leadership on purpose
(from DisintegraTusa@utterdissolution.com)
But isn’t that cheating?
Create a Customer Walk-a-Thon
(from neighboredto@leadhice.com)
No, no! Into the store, into the store!
Are you participating in the Recession?
(from skelly@smakindabak.com)
You mean…it’s voluntary?
GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT
Hi Linda, try yourself as a Personal Assistant
(from prison05@repercussionstudios.com)
If it doesn’t work out, you can always lay yourself off.
Need Promotion
(from watchdog@pcworld.com)
To senior watchdog?
Better Job
(from stevengray@pcworld.com)
Wait a minute–why am I offering myself a better job?
WATCHES!
With our watches boring time will go faster.
(from shrillz@groundswath.com)
The focus here is either on disturbing the space/time continuum or on appealing specifically to miners.
With a cool watch you can beat everybody.
(from seizesv1085@bastinadores.com)
Sounds like an extremely sturdy (and dangerous) watch.
Designer watches at very democratic prices.
(from limboed@galleriailltempera.com)
This one looks promising. I know I can’t afford very republican prices.
An elegant watch will give you the wings.
(from chutzpahz47@groundswath.com)
Is that anything like the vapors?
We offer the best alarm-clocks for your little buddy down there.
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Gilligan?!?
ENTERTAINMENT/ADVENTURE/TRAVEL
Laugh ‘Til You Cry
(from asceticas4@jambiguous.com)
I hope that isn’t a threat. “Laugh, Clown, Laugh!”
Agree to be sick! Noway!
(from klubprattle@tripanic.com)
If that’s a typo for “Norway,” I know a country that needs a new PR campaign.
Hello. Heather here
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Scotland’s board of tourism could do with a new slogan, too.
MYSTERIOUS ADVICE
Bell the cat, or rather, get
(from indigene@aboriginous.net)
“Bell the get”?
Buy Soft For The Prices You Will Enjoy.
(from messagedy2@urinsane.com)
Finally, an investment strategy that makes sense–unless your heart is set on buying firm.
If for you bad mood to call to me!
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Borat is moonlighting again. But is this if already for me bad mood, or if in order for me bad mood?
Stop Sweating and Start Cheating at Gardening Today
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Many who are new to the world of high-stakes gardening succumb to this temptation.
RANDOMNESS
Colorful People Don’t Need Color
(from reply@captainmonochrome.com)
So color is something you don’t need if you have it but do need if you don’t? Augggh–it’s an infinite loop!
good-natured Whale. Well,
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
I, for one, welcome even-tempered, healthy whales.
no more. Of him she did hear from ti
(from festers@mairie-lartiste.fr)
This is what happens when you try to publish your novel as a series of 286,000 tweets.
EDUCATION
Real University diplomas.
(from leoninegherkin@grinchmanlawoffices.com)
Most people go to Real University for the football games and the parties, anyway. But why is a law firm involved in this offer?
Online Bachelor’s Degrees you deserve
(from fidelcuantro@meretriciousmagazine.com)
That B.S. in video studies from YouTube U. is rightfully mine!
Diplomas for everybody.
(from gaped3@thai-overtime.com)
Unclear whether this is a campaign slogan or a drink order in a bar.
Doctorate degree can be yours.
(from pyrrhicvictor@theodrekk.com)
I don’t know… Since I did my undergraduate work at Real University, I can afford to be pretty picky about where I go for my graduate degrees.
HEALTH
Real manliness is renewable at any age ?
(from reprehensible@soultorque.com)
Losing the question mark might sell this message just a smidge better.
The best way not to fall ill is the rise your immunity
(from hernando@car-cophagous.com)
It’s also the best way to stay out of jail, as many former government officials have found.
The endurance and stamina depends on the size as well.
(from salaam0@ pallidtetrad.com)
That explains why you see so few 450-pound marathoners.
Don’t fear the measuring tape anymore , Acai Berri.
(from jay@spammingeeks.com)
If she looks anything like her sister Hallie, her fear was unfounded in the first place.
We know the method to quit the aging process.
(from innocentlyg76@reallifenecromancy.com)
So do I. Unfortunately, it’s also the method to quit the breathing process.
Hey, I know this is a miracle cure, I have seen it on tv
(from pete_boggs@sphagnumsource.com)
And I know it is, because you just sent me an e-mail about it.
The way to her heart is through her wrist.
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Next you’ll be telling us that an army marches on its wrists. (Gorilla warfare, maybe?)
INTIMACY
Who knows what is to make a fool of oneself in the bed will understand!
(from pangolin8@phlegmaticmelancholy.com)
Too much information, Dad.
Marvelous scent dragging women after your trail.
(from timedrelease85@geophrenology.com)
For the cave-gentleman demographic.
Be her eromaniac
(from whutupgzz@salviclassitude.com)
You don’t suppose they mean “egomaniac,” do you? Or “euromaniac”? Or “ergomaniac”?
Need a standing rocket?
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Is this a metaphor or a homeland security breach? (Also named to FHM’s top ten pickup lines list.)
Dozed virility!
(from cheepside@rancidvox.com)
“I am SO turned on. Good night.”
Now even your stress at work can’t stand on your way to success in bed.
(from nonentity@zzipazz.com)
Presumably, it just kind of squats there.
Your life will be worthwhile if your penis grows a little.
(from windynamic6@cathayway.com)
And if not, not. This statement sums up a belief system that underwrites an entire industry.
YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER
You,ve Won 2009 ATM card
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
Hey, wait a minute–this is for Bernie Madoff’s account at Washington Mutual!
Buy any product and get another 3 items for free armhole
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
I’ve been looking for one of those…
Life of an ordinary loser is not for you
(from unknown@mysterymiddie.com)
*Your punch line goes here.*
If you’ve spotted a world-class message header in your spam filter recently, share it in the comments section below. And if you have any suggestions for creative uses of spam headers, let us know. For example, two of our editors independently came up with the idea of building poems out of the headers–shades of Newton and Leibniz simultaneously discovering advanced calculus!
For more page-view-generating fluff from our archives, check out these fine stories:
• You Must Obey: The Unwritten Laws of Technology
• Tech Tattoos: The Good, the Bad and the R U SRS?
• 15 Tech T-Shirts We Love
• Dirty Dozen Ugliest and Lamest Cell Phones
